An insane mathematician gets on a bus and starts threatening everybody: "I'll integrate you! I'll differentiate you!!!" Everybody gets scared and runs away. Only one lady stays. The guy comes up to her and says: "Aren't you scared, I'll integrate you, I'll differentiate you!!!" The lady calmly answers: "No, I am not scared, I am e^x ."
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The combination of the Einstein and Pythagoras discoveries:
E= m c^2= m ( a^2 + b^2)
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The limit as n goes to infinity of sin (x) /n is 6.
Proof: cancel the n in the numerator and denominator.
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How many times can you subtract 7 from 83?
Only once because after one subtraction, it becomes 76.
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In the topologic hell the beer is packed in Klein's bottles.
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Q: Why do Computer Scientists get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?
A: Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the Moebius strip?
A: To get to the other ... er, um ...
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Q: Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A: Because he left a residue at every pole.
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Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant and a banana?
A: | elephant | * | banana | * sin(theta)
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Two mathematicians are studying a convergent series. The first one says: "Do you realize that the series converges even when all the terms are made positive?" The second one asks: "Are you sure?" "Absolutely!"
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Q: What does the zero say to the the eight?
A: Nice belt!
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Life is like a complex number; it has both real and imaginary components.
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Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].
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A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in an refrigerator, so that on the average he feels comfortable.
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What is the difference between an Engineer and a Mathematician?
The former replaces a bulb whereas the later proves it can be done.
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Math and Alcohol don't mix, so... PLEASE DON'T DRINK AND DERIVE
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Q: What's the contour integral around Western Europe?
A: Zero, because all the Poles are in Eastern Europe!
Addendum: Actually, there ARE some Poles in Western Europe, but they are removable!
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One day, Jesus said to his disciples: "The Kingdom of Heaven is like 3x squared plus 8x minus 9." St. Thomas looked very confused and asked St. Peter: "What does the teacher mean?" St.Peter replied: "Don't worry - it's just another one of his parabolas."
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Q:What is a dilemma?
A: A lemma that proves two results.
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Q: Why didn't Newton discover group theory?
A: Because he wasn't Abel.
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In Alaska, students take the value of 'Pi' to be exactly 3. Why?
Heat expands everything and in cold, it contracts. that is why.
===================================================
How do you prove in three steps that a sheet of paper is a lazy dog?
1. A sheet of paper is an ink-lined plane.
2. An inclined plane is a slope up.
3. A slow pup is a lazy dog.
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In his lecture, ** formulated a theorem and said: "The proof is obvious". Then he thought for a minute, left the lecture room, returned after 15 minutes and happily concluded: "Indeed, it is obvious!"
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A mathematician confided
That the M"obius band is one-sided
And you'll get quite a laugh
If you cut one in half
'Cause it stays in one piece when divided.
===================================================
Cat Theorem:
A cat has nine tails.
Proof:
No cat has eight tails. A cat has one tail more than no cat. Therefore, a cat has nine tails.
===================================================
Interesting Theorem:
All positive integers are interesting.
Proof:
Assume the contrary. Then there is a lowest non-interesting positive integer. But, hey, that's pretty interesting! A contradiction.
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If I have seen farther than others, it is because I was standing on the shoulders of giants. "ISSAC NEWTON".
Well, If I(that is me!!!) have not seen farther than others, it is because I was not standing on the shoulders of others.
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Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x...
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x
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Two male mathematicians are in a bar. The first one says to the second that the average person knows very little about basic mathematics. The second one disagrees, and claims that most people can cope with a reasonable amount of math.
The first mathematician goes off to the washroom, and in his absence the second calls over the waitress. He tells her that in a few minutes, after his friend has returned, he will call her over and ask her a question. All she has to do is answer one third x cubed.
She repeats "one thir -- dex cue"?
He repeats "one third x cubed".
Her: `one thir dex cuebd'? Yes, that's right, he says. So she agrees, and goes off mumbling to herself, "one thir dex cuebd...".
The first guy returns and the second proposes a bet to prove his point, that most people do know something about basic math. He says he will ask the blonde waitress an integral, and the first laughingly agrees. The second man calls over the waitress and asks "what is the integral of x squared?".
The waitress says "one third x cubed" and while walking away, turns back and says over her shoulder "plus a constant".
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A mathematician has spent ten years trying to prove the Riemann hypothesis. Finally, he decides to sell his soul to the devil in exchange for a proof. The devil promises to deliver a proof in the four weeks. Half a year later, the devil shows up again - in a rather gloomy mood. "I'm sorry", he says. "I couldn't prove the hypothesis either. But" - and his face lightens up - "I think I found a really interesting lemma..."
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Q: What will a logician choose: a half of an egg or eternal bliss in the afterlife? A: A half of an egg! Because nothing is better than eternal bliss in the afterlife, and a half of an egg is better than nothing.
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When a statistician passes the airport security check, they discover a bomb in his bag. He explains. "Statistics shows that the probability of a bomb being on an airplane is 1/1000. However, the chance that there are two bombs at one plane is 1/1000000. So, I am much safer..."
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A mathematician organizes a lottery in which the prize is an infinite amount of money. When the winning ticket is drawn, and the jubilant winner comes to claim his prize, the mathematician explains the mode of payment: "1 dollar now, 1/2 dollar next week, 1/3 dollar the week after that..."
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New York (CNN). At John F. Kennedy International Airport today, a high school mathematics teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor and a graphical calculator. According to law enforcement officials, he is believed to have ties to the Al-Gebra network. He will be charged with carrying weapons of math instruction. It was later discovered that he taught the students to solve their problem with the help of radicals!
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Q: Why do mathematicians, after a dinner at a Chinese restaurant, always insist on taking the leftovers home?
A: Because they know how to use the Chinese remainder theorem!
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Q: How does one insult a mathematician?
A: You say: "Your brain is smaller than any Epsilon>0!"
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Q: What does a mathematician present to his fiancée when he wants to propose?
A: A polynomial ring!
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The chef instructs his apprentice: "You take two thirds of water, one third of cream, one third of broth..."
The apprentice: "But that makes four thirds already!"
"Well - just take a larger pot!"
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A woman in a bar tries to pick up a mathematician.
"How old, do you think, am I?" she asks coyly.
"Well - 18 by that fire in your eyes, 19 by that glow on your cheeks, 20 by that radiance of your face, and adding that up is something you can probably do for yourself..."
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Q: What is the most erotic number?
A: 2110593!
Q: Why?
A: When 2 are 1 and don't pay at10tion, they'll know within 5 weeks whether or not, after 9 months, they'll be 3...
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"There is only one God", says a mathematician, all the others can be transformed isomorphically into each other.
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Q: How does a mathematician induce good behavior in her children?
A: `I've told you n times, I'am telling you now for n+1 th times...'
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Q: How can you tell that Harvard was planned by a mathematician?
A: The div school is right next to the grad school...
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Mother to her daughter: "Why does the tablecloth you just put on the table have the word `truth' written on it?"
Daughter: "Because I want to turn the table into a truth table!"
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An investment firm is hiring mathematicians. After the first round of interviews, three hopeful recent graduates - a pure mathematician, an applied mathematician, and a graduate in mathematical finance - are asked what starting salary they are expecting.
The pure mathematician: "Would $30,000 be too much?"
The applied mathematician: "I think $60,000 would be OK."
The math finance person: "What about $300,000?"
The personnel officer is flabberghasted: "Do you know that we have a graduate in pure mathematics who is willing to do the same work for a tenth of what you are demanding!?"
"Well, I thought of $135,000 for me, $135,000 for you - and $30,000 for the pure mathematician who will do the work."
================================================
Statistics Canada is hiring mathematicians. Three recent graduates are invited for an interview: one has a degree in pure mathematics, another one in applied math, and the third one obtained his B.Sc. in statistics.
All three are asked the same question: "What is one third plus two thirds?"
The pure mathematician: "It's one."
The applied mathematician takes out his pocket calculator, punches in the numbers, and replies: "It's 0.999999999."
The statistician: "What do you want it to be?"
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Solving equations with the help of radicals is prohibited-Sign board at an Afghan school.
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Three statisticians go hunting. When they see a rabbit, the first one shoots, missing it on the left. The second one shoots and misses it on the right.
The third one shouts: "We've hit it!"
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Mathematicians never die - they only loose some of their functions.
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Q: How do you call the largest accumulation point of poles?
A: Warsaw!
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A visitor at the Royal Tyrell Museum asks a museum employee: "Can you tell me how old the skeleton of that T-Rex is?"
"It is precisely 60 million and three years, two months, and eighteen days old."
"How can you know that with such precision?!"
"Well, when I started working here, one of the scientists told me that the skeleton was 60 million years old - and that was precisely three years, two months, and eighteen days ago..."
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"Statistics shows that most people are abnormal!"
"How that?"
"According to statistics, a normal person has one == and one == half of mind..."
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Four friends have been doing really well in their calculus class: they have been getting top grades for their homework and on the midterm. So, when it's time for the final, they decide not to study on the weekend before, but to drive to another friend's birthday party in another city - even though the exam is scheduled for Monday morning. As it happens, they drink too much at the party, and on Monday morning, they are all hung over and oversleep. When they finally arrive on campus, the exam is already over.
They go to the professor's office and offer him an explanation: "We went to our friend's birthday party, and when we were driving back home very early on Monday morning, we suddenly had a flat tire. We had no spare one, and since we were driving on backroads, it took hours until we got help."
The professor nods sympathetically and says: "I see that it was not your fault. I will allow you to make up for the missed exam tomorrow morning."
When they arrive early on Tuesday morning, the students are put by the professor in a large lecture hall and are seated so far apart from each other that, even if they tried, they had no chance to cheat. The exam booklets are already in place, and confidently, the students start writing.
The first question - five points out of one hundred - is a simple exercise in integration, and all four finish it within ten minutes.
When the first of them has completed the problem, he turns over the page of the exam booklet and reads on the next one:
Problem 2 (95 points out of 100): Which tire went flat?
================================================
What is the difference between AlGore and Mr.Bush?
In Mathematics, we have AlGore-ithms and no Bush-ithms
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As a mathematician, you are certainly aware of the fact that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18.
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Q: What does the little mermaid wear?
A: An algae-bra.
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A mathematical biologist spends his vacation hiking in the Scottish highlands. One day, he encounters a shepherd with a large herd of sheep. One of these cuddly, woolly animals would make a great pet, he thinks...
"How much for one of your sheep?" he asks the shepherd.
"They aren't for sale", the shepherd replies.
The math biologist ponders for a moment and then says: "I will give you the precise number of sheep in your herd without counting. If I'm right, don't you think that I deserve one of them as a reward?"
The shepherd nods.
The math biologist says: "387".
The shepherd is silent for a while and then says: "You're right. I hate to loose any of my sheep, but I promised: One of them is yours. Have your pick!"
The math biologist grabs one of the animals, puts it on his shoulders, and is about to march on, when the shepherd says: "Wait! I will tell you what your profession is, and if I'm right I'll get the animal back."
"That's fair enough."
"You must be a mathematical biologist."
The man is stunned. "You're right. But how could you know?"
"That's easy: You gave me the precise number of sheep without counting - and then you picked my dog..."
=======================================================
A pure and an applied mathematician are asked to calculate 2 * 2.
The applied mathematician's solution: We have
2 * 2 = 2 *1/(1-1/2).
The second factor on the right hand side has a geometric series expansion
1/(1-1/2) = 1 + 1/2 +1/4 + 1/8 + ....
Cutting off the series after the second term yields the approximate solution
2 * 2 = 2 *(1 +1/2) = 3.
The pure mathematician's solution: We have
2 * 2 = (-2) *1/(1-3/2).
The second factor on the right hand side has a geometric series expansion
1/(1-3/2) = 1 + 3/2 +9/4 + 27/8 + ...,
which diverges. Hence, the solution to 2 * 2 does not exist.
=======================================================
A French mathematician's pick up line: "Voulez vous Cauchy avec moi?"
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A successful businesswoman explains. "I try to add to my income, subtract from my weight, divide my time, and avoid multiplying..."
===============================================
The mother of already three is pregnant with her fourth child.
One evening, the eldest daughter says to her dad: "Do you know, daddy, what I've found out?"
"No."
"The new baby will be Chinese!"
"What?!"
"Yes. I've read in the paper that statistics shows that every fourth child born nowadays is Chinese..."
===============================================
A physicist, a mathematician and a computer scientist discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.
The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer scientist: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyone disturbing me..."
===============================================
Q: What is a topologist?
A: A person who cannot tell a doughnut from a coffee mug.
Explanation: Quite often it is not important, for all practical topologist's purposes, whether you have a cup or a doughnut. For example, if you study holes (a very respectable topic in topology), you put a cup and a doughnut (or torus, as such objects are called in topology) into the same class of Objects with One Hole. It is typical of topology to make no distinction between things that can be "smoothly transformed into each other," that is, transformed without making extra holes or gluing together parts that were not connected before. Here you can see a cup being smoothly transformed into a doughnut (a GIF animation). Such transformations are called isomorphisms.
===============================================
Suddenly he stopped talking with his mate, becaue she is trying with 3 UNKNOWNS.
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A group of mathematicians and a group of engineers are traveling together by train to attend a conference on mathematical methods in engineering. Each engineer has a ticket whereas only one of the mathematicians has one. Of course, the engineers laugh at the unworldly mathematicians and look forward to the moment the conductor shows up.
Suddenly one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!"
All the mathematicians disappear into one washroom.
The conductor checks the ticket of each engineer and then knocks at the washroom door: "Your ticket, please."
The mathematicians stick the one ticket they have under the door, the conductor checks it and leaves. A few minutes later, when it is safe, the mathematicians come out of the washroom. The engineers are impressed.
When the conference has come to an end, the engineers decide that they are at least as smart as the mathematicians and also buy just one ticket for the whole group. This time the mathematicians have no ticket at all...
Again one of the mathematicians shouts: "Conductor coming!".
All the engineers rush off to one washroom. One of the mathematicians goes to that washroom, knocks at the door, and says: "Your ticket, please..."
===============================================
Some engineers are trying to measure the height of a flag pole. They only have a measuring tape and are quite frustrated trying to keep the tape along the pole: It falls down all the time.
A mathematician comes along and asks what they are doing. They explain it to him.
"Well, that's easy..."
He pulls the pole out of the ground, lays it down, and measures it easily.
After he has left, one of the engineers says: "That's so typical of these mathematicians! What we need is the height - and he gives us the length!"
================================================
Q: Was ist paradox an der Analysis?
A: Man faltet, um zu glätten...
The pun only works in German.
================================================
After the phenomenal success of Viagra, Pfizer has come up with yet another pharmaceutical sensation: knowledge pills.
A student who is way behind in his English literature class, goes to the pharmacy, and asks the pharmacist if there are knowledge pills for English literature.
"Sure", the pharmacist replies.
The student buys one, swallows it, and hours later he knows everything there is to know about English literature. If it's that easy to acquire knowledge, he thinks, why waste hours wrecking your brains over boring textbooks? So, he gives up studying, and whenever an exam is near, he goes to the pharmacy and buys the right knowledge pill: biology, art history, world history - you name it.
When he has to take a math exam, he goes again to the pharmacy as asks for a knowledge pill for mathematics.
"Just wait a moment", the pharmacist says. He disappears in the back of his store and comes back with a pill of the size of a melon.
"But how am I supposed to swallow this?!" the student exclaims.
"Well, math has always been a little hard to swallow..."
=================================================
In a class, a math professor claims that he can prove everything under the assumption that 1+1=1.
A student challenges him: "Then prove that you're the pope!"
He ponders for a moment and then replies: "I am one, and the pope is one. Therefore, the pope and I are one."
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If you tell that "Let epsilon be less than zero" and if anyone is found laughing at it, he must be a mathematician.
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You may be e^x, but I can not differentiate you for I am "Too bad... I'm d/dy."
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Back in the old days - when slide rules were still the most sophisticated computing equipment available to scientists and engineers...
Engineering students are taking a math final. Of course, slide rules are not allowed. And, of course, someone is cheating and has brought a slide rule to the exam. He is hiding it under his desk, but the student sitting to his left - who is stuck on a difficult calculation - has noticed it.
"Hey", he whispers. "Can you help me? What's three times six?"
His classmate reaches for his slide rule, and after a few seconds replies: "Nineteen."
"Are you sure?"
The other student reaches again for his slide rule, and after another few seconds replies: "You're right. It's closer to eighteen - eighteen point three, to be precise."
==============================================
A boy was requesting his dad to do sums for him. The father says it won't be right. The boy insists "why don't you try?"
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Epimenides (c. 7 century B.C.) once made a long pilgrimage to meet Buddha. When he finally met him, Epimenides said, "I have come to ask a question. What is the best question that can be asked and what is the best answer that can be given?"
Buddha replied, "The best question that can be asked is the question you have just asked, and the best answer that can be given is the answer I am giving."
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A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer were travelling in Scotland when they saw a black sheep throuth the window of the train.
"Aha," says the engineer,"I see that Scottish sheep are black."
"Hmm," says the physicist,"In Scotland there is one sheep whose colour is black."
"No," says the mathematician."All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that sheep is black !"
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A mathematician and a physicist agree to a psychological experiment. The (hungry) mathematician is put in a chair in a large empty room and his favorite meal, perfectly prepared, is placed at the other end of the room. The psychologist explains, "You are to remain in your chair. Every minute, I will move your chair to a position halfway between its current location and the meal." The mathematician looks at the psychologist in disgust. "What? I'm not going to go through this. You know I'll never reach the food!" And he gets up and storms out. The psychologist ushers the physicist in. He explains the situation, and the physicist's eyes light up and he starts drooling. The psychologist is a bit confused. "Don't you realize that you'll never reach the food?" The physicist smiles and replies: "Of course! But I'll get close enough for all practical purposes!"
In the language of formulas, we can say:
1/2 + (1/2)*(1/2) + (1/2)*(1/2)*(1/2) + (1/2)^4 +... (forever) = 1
======================================================
(__)
(oo)
/---------\/
/ | x=a(b)||
* ||------||
^^ ^^
Mathematical Cow
(developer of
cow-culus)
========================================================
f(0) f'(0)
f(x) = ---- + ----- x + ...
0! 1!
after reading the first ("0") he thought: "what's about the exclamation mark? oh, i see: you can't divide by zero. attention!" but after reading the second term ("1!") he wonders: "hey-oh, you *can* divide by one!! what's this?!" and after thinking a long time about the problem he comes to the real meaning... ;-)
============================================================
A Mathematician is one who does not know what he is talking about.
Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
========================================================
Q: What does (x-a)(x-b)(x-c)...(x-z) equal?
A: [Hint: check out the 24th factor].
==============================================
There was only one occasion I was at a loss for words. As we were reviewing geometry problems, one student raised her hand. "Mr. Chipman," she asked, "how do you circumcise a circle?"
===============================================
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture
with a herd of sheep, and told to put them inside the smallest
possible amount of fence.
The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then
puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least
fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
The physicist is next. He creates a circular fence of infinite
radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the
herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around
the herd."
The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little
thought, he puts a small fence around himself and then declares, "I
define myself to be on the outside."
=============================================
Q: How do you tell that you are in the hands of the Mathematical Mafia?
A: They make you an offer that you can't understand.
===============================================
If A=B and B=C then A=C is nice except in practice. If Julie loves
Nick, and Nick loves Sara, then Julie loves Sara. Is that right?
===============================================
7 out of 5 people do not understand fractions.
============================================
Q: What does M.A.T.H.S stands for?
A: Mentally Affected Teachers Harassing students.
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What is the difference between radius and diameter? Ans: radius.
==================================================
Intergral of e^x cannot be done by celibates. Can you tell me why?
=============================================
============================================
Person 1: What's the integral of 1/cabin?
Person 2: Log cabin.
Person 1: No, a houseboat - you forgot to add the c!
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Q: What do you get if you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
A: Trick question! You can't cross a vector with a scalar!
This joke relies on two puns: one on the word "vector", meaning either a member of a vector space or a carrier of an infectious agent (i.e., the mosquito), and the other on the word "scalar" (i.e., a quantity which is not a vector), versus "scaler" (i.e. one who climbs).
===============================================
There are only 10 types of people in the world -- those who understand binary, and those who don't.
This joke relies on the fact that mathematical expressions, just as expressions in natural languages, may have multiple meanings. When multiple meanings are available, puns are possible. In this case a pun is made using the expression 10. For non-mathematicians or non-computer programmers 10 almost always refers to the number ten. However, in binary, the expression 10 means the number two. Thus the joke says that there are only two kinds of people, those who understand binary, and those who don't. However, those who do not understand binary will certainly not get the joke. This joke is only feasible in written form; when speaking a binary number aloud, most would phrase "10" as "One Zero" rather than "Ten".
===============================================
I love f(x)ou = I love you. Because f(x)=y is the function.
==================================================
After the great flood Noah gathered all the animals on the beach and told them "We've all survived the perils of the flood, now you must go forth and multiply." A small snake replied with a sad voice "I can't multiply, I'm an adder." Noah thought for a while, then he went into the forrest with an axe and cut down some trees. He brought them to the beach and constructed a small wooden table. Then he told the adder: "Now you will be able to multiply even though you're an adder. I've built you a log table!"
====================================================
"Girls require time and money":
"Time is money":
So girls are money squared:
"Money is the root of all evil":
So girls are evil:
====================================================
/ x n
| e = f(u )
/
================================================
A physics joke:
"Energy equals milk chocolate square"
===============================================
Why did the cat fall off the roof? Because he lost his mu. (mew=sound cats make, mu=coeff of friction)
============================================
The maths teacher was giving problems of addition, subtraction, division and multiplication. For the first 3 problems none came to answer. But for the last problem everybody raised their hands to solve it. Why?
Because God said "Go forth and multiply.
============================================
A bunch of Polish scientists decided to flee their repressive government by hijacking an airliner and forcing the pilot to fly them to a western country. They drove to the airport, forced their way on board a large passenger jet, and found there was no pilot on board. Terrified, they listened as the sirens got louder. Finally, one of the scientists suggested that since he was an experimentalist, he would try to fly the aircraft.
He sat down at the controls and tried to figure them out. The sirens got louder and louder. Armed men surrounded the jet. The would be pilot's friends cried out, "Please, please take off now!!! Hurry!!!"
The experimentalist calmly replied, "Have patience. I'm just a simple pole in a complex plane."
===============================================
What is the shortest mathematicians joke?
Let epsilon be smaller than zero.
==============================================
One day a mathematician decides that he is sick of math. So, he walks down to the fire department and announces that he wants to become a fireman.
The fire chief says, "Well, you look like a good guy. I'd be glad to hire you, but first I have to give you a little test."
The firechief takes the mathematcian to the alley behind the fire department which contains a dumpster, a spigot, and a hose. The chief then says, "OK, you're walking in the alley and you see the dumpster here is on fire. What do you do?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, I hook up the hose to the spigot, turn the water on, and put out the fire."
The chief says, "That's great... perfect. Now I have to ask you just one more question. What do you do if you're walking down the alley and you see the dumpster is not on fire?"
The mathematician puzzles over the question for awhile and he finally says, "I light the dumpster on fire."
The chief yells, "What? That's horrible! Why would you light the dumpster on fire?"
The mathematician replies, "Well, that way I reduce the problem to one I've already solved."
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A mathematician wandered home at 3 AM. His wife became very upset, telling him, "You're late! You said you'd be home by 11:45!" The mathematician replied, "I'm right on time. I said I'd be home by a quarter of twelve."
============================================
Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?
To get to the same side.
======================================
======================================
Bertrand Russell was wondering: "If the cook only cooks for the guests, who cooks for the cook?"
==========================================
You fascinate me more than the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus.
Are you a differentiable function? Because I'd like to be tangent to your curves!
You and I would add up better than a Riemann sum.
My love for you is a monotonic increasing function of time.
Wanna come back to my room and see my copy of Euclid's "Elements"?
I am equivalent to the Empty Set when you are not with me.
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Some say the pope is the greatest cardinal.
But others insist this cannot be so, as every pope has a successor.
============================================
You Might Be a Mathematician if...
you are fascinated by the equation
you are intrigued by the infinite digits of Pi.
you have tried to prove Fermat's Last Theorem.
you know ten ways to prove Pythagoras' Theorem.
you comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
when you say to a car dealer "I'll take the red car or the blue one but not both.
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Why was six afraid of seven? Because 7 8 9.
============================================
What did one math book say to the other? Don't bother me I've got my own problems!
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A mathematician and her husband were driving along a country road and he said to her, "Look dear, those sheep have been shorn." She replies, " At least on this side."
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Q: What did the arrogant calculus student say when his teacher asked him to solve the
differential equation f’(x) = sqrt{1+f(x)^2}?
A: It’s a sinh.
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What difference between physicist and programmer?
Answer: Physicist thinks that 1 kilobyte = 1000 bytes, and programmer thinks that 1 kilometer = 1024 meters.
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At a geometry lesson a teacher asks to represent the shortest distance between the two points A and B on a blackboard:
The teacher asks:
- Johnny, who taught you this ?
- My father, he is a taxi driver.
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If
, then
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Euclid was asked:
- What do you want: two whole apples or four halves ?
- Four halves, of course.
- Why ? It’s the same, isn’t it ?
- No, it isn’t. Choosing two whole apples, I can not see if they are maggoty or aren’t.
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(My own addendum to the above: Four halves is better so that you can readily eat it without the need to slice it.)
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Friends of Leibniz gave him as a present his bust, made by famous sculptor, on his birthday. Leibniz stared at the bust for a long time and then said:
- So, this is a face, which I shave every day.
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One woman asked Einstein to remember her telephone number: 361-343.
Einstein answered:
- It’s very easy. 19 squared and 7 cubed.
When the same women asked him to remember her door number 197, he retorted that is also easy as (square root of 361 followed by cube root of 343)
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Two mathematicians are travelling in a train, at a speed of 80miles/hr. passing a meadow, on which a herd of cows grazes. The first one counting the number of cows, utters 1356. Astonished over this, the second one asks how is this possible? How can you count so quickly?
The second one replies, "First I counted the number of legs and then divided it by four". That's all.
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- Johnny, give an example of inertia.
- A car has stopped, but a driver is going farther.
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What did Archemides find when he yelled "Eureka, Eureka" while bathing in a tub?
Ans: Soap.
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What do you want: one difficult question or two easy ones ?
- One difficult, professor.
- Okay, tell me please, where the first people appeared.
- In London, sir.
- Why in London ?
- I’m sorry, professor, but this is already the second question.
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- John, tell me please, haw many cakes you can eat on an empty stomach.
- Five, I think.
- This is wrong. If you eat only one cake, then the others won’t be on an empty stomach.
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A policeman stops a driver-disturber:
- Why are you going at the speed 120 kilometers per hour ?
- Hour ? – the driver is surprised. – I drive only 15 minutes!
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Ellipse is a circle, inscribed in a square with the sides 2 and 4.
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A mathematician is someone who thinks that if there are supposed to be three people in a room and five walk out, then two must enter the room in order for it to be empty.
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Given: Study = No Fail
And: No Study = Fail
1. Study + No Study = Fail + No Fail
2. Study ( 1 + No ) = Fail ( 1 + No )
3. Study ( 1 + No ) = Fail ( 1 + No )
Dividing by (1 + No), we get
Study = Fail. Q.E.D.
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Here's a cool link for Maths'lovers
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1 dollar = 100 cents = (1/10 dollar)*(1/10 dollar) = (1/100 dollar)= 1 cent.
Hence 1 dollar = 1 cent
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Mathematics contains much that will neither hurt one if one does not know it nor help one if one does know it.
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"Mathematics consists of proving the most obvious thing in the least obvious way".
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"As long as algebra is taught in school, there will be prayer in school."
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Archemides.
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A man camped in a national park, and noticed Mr. Snake and Mrs. Snake slithering by. "Where are all the little snakes?" he asked. Mr. Snake replied, "We are adders, so we cannot multiply." The following year, the man returned to the same camping spot. This time there were a whole batch of little snakes. "I thought you said you could not multiply," he said to Mr. Snake. "Well, the park ranger came by and built a log table, so now we can multiply by adding!"
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Why are mathematicians so negative?
Because they are nonplussed.
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When you divide 8 what will happen? Ans: If you divide vertically 3, if you divide horizontally it is 0.
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If 'ab' is not a perfect square then what is square root of 'ab'. Ans: abSURD.
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Algebra is x-sighting.
Vectors can be 'arrowing.
I'm partial to fractions.
I like angles ... to a degree.
I could go on and on about sequences.
Translations are shifty.
Complex numbers are unreal.
I feel positive about integers.
On average, people are mean.
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"I don't know what (b^2 - 4ac) equals and I don't care!" said Tom
indiscriminately...
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"There are three men on a train. An economist, a logician and a mathematician.
And they have just crossed the border into Scotland and they see a brown cow standing in a field from the window of the train and the cow is standing parallel to the train.
And the economist says, ‘Look, the cows in Scotland are brown.’ And the logician says, ‘No. There are cows in Scotland of which at least one is brown.’ And the mathematician says, ‘No. There is at least one cow in Scotland, of which one side appears to be brown.’
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If Ace, King, queen, Jack, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2 form one set, and the suits Spades, Hearts, Diamonds and clubs form another set, then the Cartesian product of these two sets will be the pack of cards!
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In Tamil Language there is an aphorism "Kattradu Kaialavu; Kalladadhu Ulagalavu" penned by the great female laureate Avaiyaar. The meaning of the above couplet is what we learnt is only handful measure and what we have not learnt is equal to the measure of the world. (i.e.) what we know is a speck in ocean, what we yet to know or do not know is enormous. Somehow I can not concur with the lady bard's views mathematically. It should have been "Kattradu Kaialavu; Kalladadhu Ulagalavu minus Kaialavu". That is, What we know is only handful measure and what we dont know is measure of the world minus the handful measure. Poor granny Avaiyaaar did not know the mathematics of subtraction as much as she knew Tamil.
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